we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
