I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
