I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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