mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
