I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
