I wish my penis had an off switch
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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