What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
