so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
