It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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