after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
