forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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