I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
