he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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