He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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