True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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