Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
