Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
