Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
