if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
