dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
