they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
