I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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