dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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