I'm so fucking centered right now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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