So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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