I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
