3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
