Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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