She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
