Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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