I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
