She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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