Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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