Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
