I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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