i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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