So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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