Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
