I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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