just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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