Pappa wants mamma naked
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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