Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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