We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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