So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
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You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize