i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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