I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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