I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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