They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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