Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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