my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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