I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My life is pants optional.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
