the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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