The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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