my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
