we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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