sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
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So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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