Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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