why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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