dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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